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Cathy, 46, Moorpark, Calif.
I don't think this is the way for everyone to do it, however if I were starting to have feelings about a man, I would gently test the waters with him. I would share with him that my feelings are growing. Then I would wait to see what his reaction is. |
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Michael, 45, Sacramento, Calif.
I typically ask a few questions to see where the touch points might be. Once I do that, I ask them for their thoughts on a situation where I have a problem. Often, they would respond favorably and then they would bring something to my attention that is on their mind. This puts them at ease and lets them feel that it's not a problem to discuss an issue. |
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Gloria, 50, Rochester, N.Y.
I'm a very genuine and open person who tries to make people feel very comfortable. I show compassion and this makes a person who may be hesitant to open up, feel like they are "safe" enough to do so, even a little. If they are so private about how they feel about you, and you can't tell by their actions, then maybe they're not ready to open up and you may have to be patient. If you are kind at heart, most people will slowly open up. If they still don't after giving them a safe, non-intrusive way to do so, maybe they're not for you. Some people stay closed emotionally for a lifetime. |
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Ed, 40, Yarmouth, Iowa
I like to lead by example, if there is something I'm curious about then I'll share my thoughts or experience on the topic and try to lead her into discussing it. If she doesn't go ahead and give me input on the subject, then I'll let it go until a later time. If she feels strongly about me, she'll eventually open up. Above all, don't push! |
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Molly, 36, San Diego, Calif.
If someone is very private, the only thing you can do is to be patient and accept it. If someone is too private, maybe they have something to hide. Communication is the key to a healthy and nurturing relationship. Rather than trying to crack the nut, I would find someone who wants to share. |
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Steven, 36, Franklin Square, N.Y.
You just have to be patient and allow some people more time to open up. Some people are very guarded at first with feelings and deeper personal matters -- it is either their protective wall or insecurity. Maybe they have a more introverted personality. |
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Mary, 51, Seattle, Wash.
I think there has to be an understanding that getting to know someone means letting them get to know you, too. This means that a person needs to become more “emotionally vulnerable” by letting another person know how they really think and feel. That’s scary for some. Part of developing a relationship is letting that special person see behind the public persona. Allowing another person we trust and care about to know us on a deeper level is very rewarding and leads to more closeness and intimacy. |
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Isaiah, 34, Cincinnati, Ohio
I would let the person know how I felt and ask them how they felt. If the person is equally interested, then they will open up. Time is the element that changes it all. |
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Sharena, 34, Placentia, Calif.
At this point in life, I would probably not allow myself to feel anything more than just caring for someone unavailable to openness. So, if there is anyone who is so private that I would feel hesitant about asking their true feelings, that is probably not be someone I would date to begin with. |
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Morgan, 54, Louisville, Ky.
I would make sure we are in a place where we can talk without interruption. I would say, "I realize that you are a very private person and I respect that. I think you know by now that I have no problem expressing my feelings and I think you also realize how I feel about you by my actions." Then I would tell her exactly how I feel. I would repeat that I realize she is a private person and if she feels uncomfortable telling me how she feels, I will tell her that I understand. Then I would say, "However if your feelings are not the same and/or you do not feel they will be, then the next time I call to ask you out, I would appreciate it if you would please just tell me you are busy and I will understand and know without you saying a thing." |
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Eileen, 39, Mount Angel, Ore.
If someone's excessively private with regard to answering my questions, he's not for me! Plain and simple, I'm so not interested in playing "read my mind" or "guess what I'm thinking." My guy needs to know how to figure out what he's feeling and verbalize it, at least most of the time anyway. Being too secretive, private and uptight would never work for me! |
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Will, 58, Glendale, Calif.
If she’s very private and I want to subtly find out how she feels about me, I'll ask her opinion about something else which is of personal concern to me but not related to our relationship. This gives her a chance to share just that much of herself with me. If that turns out to be comfortable for her, then I'll work on sharing other things which are only for trusting friends. With a bit of patience, it shouldn't be difficult to find out if the sharing can be more than just between friends. |
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Anny, 24, Tempe, Ariz.
I am a very open person and I don’t like not expressing my opinion and feelings. I cannot hold it in. I guess it may be part of my so-called “ADHD” impulsivity, but I just cannot keep quiet. In the few relationships I’ve had, I have always been the person who lays out the cards for the other person. I share my feelings with him and leave them out in the open, if he reciprocates great! If not, I move on. If he does reciprocate but is shy or private about it, by telling him that I am interested, I may make it easier for him to open up because the possibility of rejection is out of the question (he already knows I am interested). Moving on can certainly be quiet the challenge if you are interested in someone and they are not interested in you but, what else can you do? You can’t force someone to love you in the romantic sense. |
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Robert, 52, Mill Valley, Calif.
First I listen to my gut instincts. Since my gut is getting progressively larger over time, it is a loud voice I can no longer ignore. I tell them (or her if there is only one!) that I have enjoyed my time with her and would like to invest more time in her company but will need a raise to do so. If she doesn't fire me outright, I'll know she either feels the same or is a very neurotic, disturbed individual -- my soul mate! |
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Nancy, 49, Scottsdale, Ariz.
You have to be willing to reveal your feelings first, very carefully. Don’t put the other person on the spot. Just tell them that you have grown to care for them and hope, in time, they will feel the same way about you. Then let them offer whatever they care to tell you, if anything. If you have this conversation again and they still have nothing to tell you, you’ll have to decide if you want to pursue this relationship any further and let them know that this is how you feel. |
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Mike, 42, Virginia Beach, Va.
Wait for them to open up or open up yourself. |
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Cindy, 49, Juno Beach, Fla.
Share your feelings first! You can gain their trust by being open about yourself and sharing your personal feelings. If that does not work, tell them that you really care for them and are interested in getting to know everything about them then hope this will be the beginning of a strong, two-way relationship. |
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David, 29, Hampton, Va.
If you create the moment it would be more likely that a private person will open up. Use a special quiet and intimate dinner or a romantic walk with planned stops. |
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Christina,33, Albany, N.Y.
With respect for their privacy, I try to give someone time to open up about who they are. If I feel there is truly something developing with a person, I may ask some more probing questions or I might explain to them that I would like to know more about them as the relationship develops. |
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We know people who have answers.
