Moving to the next stage: Knowing when (and how) it's right to meet in person

You've exchanged emails, maybe had a couple of sessions with Instant Messenger and then, after you felt you were beginning to know one another and your hands were aching from all the typing, you exchanged phone numbers. Maybe you talked for hours. Perhaps you stayed on the phone all night. Now you're wondering about getting together.

Talk...talk...talk

Talk for a long time on email and the phone before you meet in person. It makes a difference because you'll feel like old friends getting together for a reunion and you won't be prone to making snap judgments about the other person. -- Laura L., Ontario, Canada

Take your time. When you get many email responses quickly, it's tempting to fall in love fast. Don't jump into an exclusive relationship. Explore all your options - that's what this is about, meeting new people. -- Paul S., Goose Creek, S.C.

Before it happens, take a time out for a "gut check"

If something doesn't strike you right, believe in it. You don't have to explain or prove it or "cut them slack" or "try to understand" or anything else. Say, "Thank you" and move on. -- Nicole M., Jackson, Calif.

Get a fresh photo

If they say the photo in their profile isn't current, ask for one that is. And, of course, if there isn't one with their profile, ask for one before you ever consider meeting. If for no other reason, how will you know 'em when you see 'em?

Just like a pilot, make a preflight check

And then, only meet when you're ready. Be brutally frank with yourself. You've probably talked yourself into something more than a few times, right? And it didn't always turn out quite right? With online relationships, don't skip over any issues or make any excuses that you wouldn't be prepared make in "real life."

Have criteria and insist on their being met. I developed several "deal breakers" and I never benefited from ignoring them. The biggest one was, no liars. Not about anything, not for any reason. I had one guy lie about his age and then tell me "I seem so young that if I told you the truth that would be more deceitful" -- I don't need to know anyone who can utter that sentence with a straight face. Another was, nobody got my phone number first (that was security -- I lived alone). If they wouldn't give theirs, they are probably married. Come up with your own criteria and stick to them. -- Nicole M., Jackson, Calif.

Tell a friend

Let a friend know what you're doing. For the first few in-person dates with someone new, tell a friend, coworker, or a neighbor about where you're going, who you're meeting, and when you're returning home. Write it down for them. If plans change, call a trusted friend so they know what you're up to.

When meeting someone who lives some distance away, decide who travels: One of you may have a more flexible schedule and do most of the traveling. Later on, make sure you take turns traveling at some point. That way, you can both get to know the other person on their home turf and meet friends and family. -- Leslie S., Arlington, Texas

Do your homework

Prepare for your meeting, almost as you would for a job interview. Study the person's profile, your past email correspondence and any notes you might have taken during your phone conversations. The result will be that this really isn't a "first date." You're already acquainted, over initial shyness and ready for great conversation.

Pick a public place, perhaps a shopping mall, talk for a little while and then, if you feel good about the person, you can move on to another location like a restaurant or go for a walk in a park. Pick locations where activities don't get in the way of conversation and getting to know one another.

Pick a time of day that suits your assessment of the prospect. For someone you're unsure about, go for a coffee break during the week. That way, if it doesn't work, you have a convenient way to excuse yourself. Setting a meeting for lunch gives you more time. Save after-work and weekend meetings for meeting with your best prospects. And finally...

You won't know 'til you meet. Period. I have had fabulous, prolonged correspondence with people who turned out to be simply impossible on sight. I'm not talking looks here, but chemistry, attraction, that je ne sais quoi. Write or talk enough to feel comfortable but get them in front of you before you make any major decisions or say anything silly. -- Nicole M., Jackson, Calif.

And finally, when revealing information, be like an onion. Move through one layer at a time and explore each layer before you go on to the next. "I'll tell/show you mine when you tell/show me yours" is a good rule.

Best wishes for many happy meetings!

-- Rad Dewey, Yahoo! Personals

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