How To Deal With Dating Rejection

If you are like most of my romance clients, worries about rejection top your "What keeps me from finding the love of my life?" list.

Would you like my best advice, my 100 percent Rejection-Proof Guarantee? Here it is, absolutely free: Don't try to date. Give up your search, right now, and never try again.

Because if you step out into the dating world at all, you are almost certainly going to hear some "no's." And you'll be saying a few "no's" yourself. Unless you will accept anyone with a heartbeat (and happen to run into someone else equally desperate) your first time out. I don't think that you want that, do you? Then you'd better get ready on the "no" front.

So what is so hard about "no?" "No" is such a simple little word, so short and compact. Why does "no" have such potentially devastating impact?

Our self-centered babyhood

To really understand why a plain little old "no" can flatten the best of us, we have to go way back to when you and everyone else were born. Here goes:

Infants all come into the world the same way, with no awareness of themselves as separate creatures from the people and the universe around them. We all start out incredibly self-centered. Our little personhood is all we know, and we relate everything around us to ourselves. We feel powerful. We are hungry and cry and get fed. We are cold and wet and cry, and magically, someone pays attention and fixes things and we feel better. Before we were born, we didn't even have to cry. Everything we needed came automatically, with no effort from us at all.

But babies have hard lessons to learn, and the learning starts right away. Babies learn that crying doesn't always work. From their little self-centered place, babies start doubting their power. Babies start thinking that there is something wrong with themselves, something flawed, when they can't make their environment provide what they want.

We all retain that baby-like sense of being all-powerful, that we are perfect and make everything happen, as well as the fear and growing certainty that we are flawed, that something is terribly wrong with us. To feel perfect and flawed at the same time is intolerable. We feel angry, afraid and ashamed. And we don't like being reminded.

So where does the fear of "no" come in? Before we even have the capability to understand a word as simple as "no," we experience "no." Our parents are not perfect. They cannot understand and fill our every need. And that action of "no" insults our sense of perfection. "No's" also plant the seed of doubt that grows into the certainty we are damaged in some horrible way.

Then we have the role of parents as socializers: Our parents had to shape our behavior so that we would not be little wild animals, so that we could eventually negotiate the world on our own in socially acceptable ways. Socialization meant teaching us right and wrong, and "No!" was usually the very first disciplining any of us had. "No!" becomes associated with restriction, punishment and, at the very least, inhibition of our behavior. And that insults our sense of being perfect, as well as activates our fear of being flawed. Not at all pleasant, for babies or adults.

Even though we are far past our babyhood (though some folks continue to act rather baby-like), we all retain those early feelings of vulnerability, of basic perfection and basic flaw. We develop many ways to protect that tenderness, and many of us are pretty much unaware of how much those early fears control our present behavior.

But even if we are unaware of those forces, they roar out super-powered in the dating arena. Because deep down, we know we are flawed (as is everyone, but that is hard to keep in perspective) and therefore suspect that we are unlovable. Each potential "No!" brings out that terror and shame full-tilt.

Keeping the panic at bay

The adult you have become co-exists inside you with the child you were and -- lucky you -- the parent you had. The adult part of you is logical and rational and able to put the world into perspective.

1. When your child part is terrified, engage your adult the best that you can. When you hear yourself saying, "I'll never find a sweetheart, no one will ever love me," get your adult working. Adults know that "always and never" statements are usually untrue. Make a list of the people who do care about you, or who were good care-takers in the past. Just about all of us had at least one or two. Make a list of those people and read it over when you are in the depths of despond. Remind yourself that you are indeed lovable.

2. Have you heard the expression "Garbage in, garbage out"? Surround yourself with people and messages that encourage and support your love-ability. Single people tend to band together and reinforce each other's worst fears with statements like "There are no good men out there" or "All the good ones are taken." That's definitely not so, and dating sites with the millions of interesting and eligible singles listed and looking are the best proof I can think of. Get on a good dating site and look around. Pay attention to the positive stories of people who met online and married. I post those stories regularly on my Find-a-Sweetheart blog.

3. Use the techniques that successful salespeople use: Decide before starting how many people you'd be willing to meet before you give up the search. Ten? Probably not enough. One hundred? Now you're getting there -- I can't imagine that you won't meet someone very attractive who also thinks you are pretty neat before you hit 100 first dates. And every time you hear or say "No!" you will be one date closer to your goal of love.

4. Here's another sales tip: Not everyone will want to buy what you are selling, but if you have a pretty good product, you'll be able to find customers if you look in the right places. Make sure you believe in your product (you!) and that your product is ready for market. My book "Find a Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner" deals with just that: getting as ready as you can be. Then be sure you are knocking on the right doors, that your targets are the very folks most likely to want you!

5. Now for some reverse psychology: Develop some "No!" tolerance. I often tell rejection-phobic clients to go out and collect some "no's." Of course, they think I am nuts. But it doesn't take too many "no's" to find out that you are going to live through the experience. And even if you don't dare to try the experiment, you can see the wisdom behind the assignment.

All these suggestions speak right to your adult part -- the rational, mature and logical part of you that, if engaged, will calm your panicky child. Exercise your "adult" muscle regularly so that it will be ready to help out when you need it, when a big "No!" is looming.

Romance coach and author Kathryn Lord met her now husband Drew online. Out of the dating world for years, Kathryn conquered her fears, found her perfect mate and built a solid relationship. She put what she has learned into writing in "Find A Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women". A psychotherapist, Kathryn has been helping singles and couples for more than 25 years. She is on the web at Find-a-Sweetheart.com.

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