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How Soon Is Too Soon To Date?
Sheila Ellison answers your questions about dating for single parents and after divorceI've run into many people who feel that there is an unwritten rule about how soon you should date after a separation or divorce. How soon is too soon? -- Robert L., 40, Poulsbo, Washington
Robert: It is too soon if all you can think of to talk about on a date is how horrible your ex is and what she did to ruin your life! Some people work through the grief of losing a marriage while they are still married; they take the time to look at what part they played in the relationship failing, and are honest with themselves. They are ready to date. The issue isn’t really how soon to date after a separation or divorce, but rather if you are using dating to avoid doing the work you have to do in order to move on, heal and grieve. If dating is an avoidance technique, then maybe you should wait. However, dating can also help in this process if you are clear with yourself that dating is an opportunity to learn about yourself, to choose different patterns and to meet others who are on the same journey.
Friend, not floozy
I feel that I have been very honest in my profile about just wanting friends and/or an occasional date. However, almost every man who emails me seems to be looking for a serious, monogamous relationship. I want to get out, meet new people and date more than just one man. Having just divorced for the second time, I know that I am not ready for any sort of serious relationship. How do I get my feelings across without it seeming like rejection or like I am some sort of floozy? -- Carie M., 43, Clarendon, Texas
Carie: It sounds like you’ve been very clear and honest. You are getting your feelings across very well. If you’ve written this in your profile and a man is emailing you looking for a serious relationship, he hasn’t taken the time to read what you’ve written or respected your right to take the time you need before getting involved in another serious relationship. If he feels rejection, it is his own fault for not paying attention. If he thinks you’re a floozy -- oh well. You don’t need to be what a man (or anyone) wants you to be just so he will think well of you. It isn’t your job to protect how he might interpret your honesty. Isn’t that a freeing thought!
Out of the past
I found someone from my past who I hadn't seen in 15 years but have thought about often and hoped that one day we would meet again. We have both recently divorced (in the past year). Since we already have a past, the normal dating scenario doesn't really apply. How do we go about dating without losing a friendship in the process? I don't want to wait, but how do you take it slow? How do you let him know how much you have wanted this without scaring him off? -- Marcy B., 34, Austin, Texas
Marcy: Follow your intuition. It sounds like you know this person well enough to say very simply, “I’d like this to be a dating relationship, but I don’t want to take that step if our friendship might be damaged.” You want to know right away from him if he is thinking about you in the same way you are thinking about him. If he wants to remain friends, then all you’ve done by asking this question is embarrass yourself for a few minutes. The recovery time is much quicker than trying to spend a month giving him hints and then feeling hurt or rejected in the end if he doesn’t respond as you hope. If he is interested in a dating relationship, then why wait or take it slow? Sometimes falling in love fast is wonderful, especially if you already know and trust the person.
Bye-bye irritating guy?
I have been seeing one guy for about eight months now. My sons (15 and 20) find his personality irritating. They don't like his humor or his strong opinions. Should I end the relationship? -- Marge G., 48, Schenectady, New York
Marge: Do you like his humor and strong opinions? I know this is hard for your sons to grasp, since they’ve been the center of your world for the last 15 to 20 years, but the relationship is for you. If this man makes you happy, then he stays. It may help to point out to your sons a few of their friends/girlfriends who you find irritating, just to illustrate that we don’t always approve of each other’s choices. We each have different needs, things we like about people, and things that annoy us. Discussing this may help.
Also, you need to know that it is VERY common for kids to start pointing out faults as soon as they feel you are getting serious with someone. They are afraid for many reasons: they don’t want to see you hurt again, and it is nice to have you all to themselves! I know it can be disconcerting to have those closest to your heart criticizing your choice, but this is one time where you can teach your children a valuable lesson. Your life is your own. You don’t need their approval, although you might prefer their support. You’ve spent many long years raising them, and you’ve earned the right to focus on your own needs.
And his ex makes three
I've been with someone for two years and have a feeling he's not over his ex. We have both been divorced for eight years. How do I get that out of my mind or take it for what it is? -- Shea H., 29, Guntersville, Alabama
Shea: It is hard to be in a relationship if there is an extra person floating around, especially an old wife/lover. What is it that he does or says that makes you believe he isn’t over his ex? Sometimes we let our thoughts and fears get the best of us. If you love this guy, you need to get to the bottom of this and at least give him a chance to tell you whether or not he still has feelings for his ex. Listen with an open heart. He may have feelings for her, but also know that they don’t work together.
Sheila Ellison is leading a year-long course for women titled, "Life Design After Divorce." She is the founder of SingleMomsConnect.com, an organization that connects single mothers in a one-to-one friendship that offers practical, emotional, and physical support as each woman rebuilds her life. She is the author of "The Courage to Love Again: Creating Happy, Healthy Relationships After Divorce," "The Courage to Be a Single Mother: Becoming Whole Again After Divorce," " How Does She Do It? 101 Life Lessons from One Mother to Another," and "If Women Ruled the World" as well as six bestselling parenting books. She has appeared on "Oprah," NBC's "Later Today," and "The Early Show" on CBS. Her web site is CompleteMom.com.
