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How Can I Make My Online Dating Profile More Appealing?
Sheila Ellison answers your questions about dating for single parents and after divorceWhy does it seem I can't make my profile more appealing because of my shyness? I'm 40 and don't want to be alone anymore. Everyone tells me it's because I am too nice. Is there such a thing as being too nice? -- Sherrylynn H., 37, Waterville, Maine
Sherrylynn, you may be too nice and too honest, but I think those are both very admirable traits! However, everyone else is using their profiles to highlight all the great things about themselves and possibly leaving out some of the honest ones. Ask a friend to help you put your profile together. Often we are much more critical of ourselves and find it hard to brag. A friend can encourage you to look at the good things about yourself that you might be missing. It will also be much more fun to take your profile pictures if a friend is there to make you laugh. I also find it helpful to look at other profiles that you're drawn to. What did that person say that interested you? Print out a few of your favorites to refer to when you're filling out your own.
Dating rules
I've separated after more than 21 years of marriage and haven't dated since 1981. I have my old-fashioned ideas of what dating is, however males and females alike are telling me that the rules have changed and that I need to "put out" to have a date. I am not comfortable with this fact (if indeed it's true). What are the new standards for dating? -- Suzette K., 43, Hanover, Md.
Suzette, yes, the rules of dating have changed. However, I've heard from just as many men who feel the pressure to "put out," which means there are men out there with old-fashioned ideas too! If there is a new rule to dating, it is that people get to make their own choices based on what they want. Society isn't as judgmental as it once was, so you get to set the rules for yourself. This can be very freeing. It allows you to do some soul searching and determine the kind of relationship you need. Don't get sucked into the cycle of wondering what your date wants from you, or thinking you need to meet someone else's expectations. Use your dating time to understand the person you're growing into at this time in your life.
Needs "adult time"
I've been divorced for a year and just started dating. I've been on a couple of dates with a nice man who's polite enough not to ask about my past. Should I tell him that he is the first person I've dated since my divorce, or is this likely to scare him off? -- Linda C., 50, Alpharetta, Ga.
Linda, I would think any man would be honored to be your first date. The whole issue of discussing past relationships is a tricky one. In some ways, it creates an easy introduction. You get to talk about what worked and didn't work in your marriage/life and that gives the person an idea of who you are and what you expect. However, this dive into past pain or even joy does scare some people off. In the beginning of the dating relationship, it's much better to keep the discussion to the present moment -- who each of you is right now. That way, it's just the two of you on the date rather than a table full of past relationships.
Date more than one?
I'm recently divorced after a long separation (three years). Several months ago, I started dating again, and I'm having a lot of fun. The trouble is, I'm not ready to make a commitment at this time and don't want to make the mistake of staying with someone I'm not sure about. Is it socially acceptable to date more than one man at a time? Should I tell them I'm dating others, and how should I tell them? -- Connie H., 42, Ray, Ohio
Connie, yes, it is socially acceptable to date more than one man at a time, and yes, you should tell them at least by the third date. I think it gets much more complicated when you're "dating" someone regularly, and at whatever point you begin having sex, because you or he may have very different expectations about the relationship. The more open you can be the better. You need to give the guy you're dating the option to stop dating you if he's uncomfortable with the idea of you dating others.
20-year rut
Since my divorce, I've realized I've been dating the same person (figuratively) since high school, and it always ends up the same way. How does I break out of a 20-year rut? -- John C., 39, Buffalo, N.Y.
John, write down 10 qualities that "same person" has. In the next column, write some qualities that are quite different from the ones you already listed. When you're looking through profiles of men to date, pick some who have show the qualities listed in your "different" column. If you've always gone for the smart, intellectual type, try responding to an outdoor enthusiast. Most of us do date the same person repeatedly because we think we are attracted to that "type." Your goal should be to open your mind and experience different "types."
Sheila Ellison is leading a year-long course for women titled Life Design After Divorce. She is the author of "The Courage to Love Again: Creating Happy, Healthy Relationships After Divorce," "The Courage to Be a Single Mother: Becoming Whole Again After Divorce," " How Does She Do It? 101 Life Lessons from One Mother to Another," and "If Women Ruled the World" as well as six bestselling parenting books. She is the founder of SingleMomsConnect.org, a non-profit organization that connects single mothers in a one-to-one friendship that offers practical, emotional, and physical support as each woman rebuilds her life. She has appeared on "Oprah," NBC's "Later Today, and "The Early Show" on CBS. Her web site is www.completemom.com.
