About Dating & Relationships > Your dating questions answered (#14)

How realistic is it for a woman over 40 to expect a personal ad date to lead to marriage? -- Sabrina M., 43, Corvallis, Ore.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: It's not realistic for anyone to expect one personal ad date to lead to marriage, but if you know what you're doing, it is possible to find a spouse via dating someone you met online. Just keep in mind that it's a big, anonymous world, and get to know your potential date face-to-face as soon as possible. Understand that it will take a few months just to find out if the person you're dating has real potential. Go slowly -- it takes time to develop a healthy relationship. While you're figuring that out, try not to get caught up in the excitement of it all, and keep your wits about you. Pay attention to what your new friend is saying about himself, how well he hears what you are saying, and look for clues to character. Your job in the dating game is to figure out if the other person is the right kind of person for you. Watch for clues about how he handles money, whether the two of you can disagree and work it out, and, if he has to be right about everything -- run!

David Wygant answers: It is very realistic to believe a personal ad can lead to marriage. You need to write a great profile. Then you need to spend the time getting back to each person who contacts you. May I suggest a game plan for you? When you place your profile on Yahoo! Personals, make sure the picture you submit is current and one that represents who you are. A good quality, natural photo will bring you more replies. Marriage and meeting the right person takes time, so please give this process a chance and do not get frustrated, it will pay off in time. Keep me posted.

The Insightful Dater answers: There are so many success stories about people of all ages meeting online and making a connection -- people who never thought they would "find the one," much less, online! The great thing about using online dating is that you can be up front about everything you are looking for and everything you have to offer. It's a great way to just have another "iron in the fire" for your dating life. Why would you cut yourself off from an opportunity or a possibility? Try a search in your community and see who is out there that matches what you are looking for -- it's always a good time to find someone special to share your life with! Above all, be patient. As with offline dating, finding your ideal match could take weeks or months. For inspiration, have a look at the story and success tips from this 42-year-old Yahoo! Personals member.

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Incomparable?

I was in a beautiful meaningful relationship that led to a too brief but wonderful marriage until tragedy struck and my husband died two years ago. I rejoined the dating world nine months ago and am having a difficult time finding someone who can measure up to my standards. My late husband was handsome, funny, sensitive, romantic, trusting honest, caring, and was my best friend. It is because of him that I know what true love feels like. Counseling has taught me not to compare others to him. What would you suggest? -- Cat Y., 27, Broken Arrow, Okla.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: I'm glad you've learned not to compare others to him. It's too easy to bestow sainthood on a person who has passed, and no real human can live up to it. You're just coming out of your grief and emotional shock, so take your time. Focus on making friends and getting to know new people -- not on finding a "replacement" for the person you lost. He'll never be replaced, but you can try a whole new thing with a different person. In "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again," I recommend having a "beginner's mind" (a Zen Buddhist concept), which means being willing to start from scratch, allow yourself to feel awkward and new at this. Seek to learn, to experience, and regard it as a new adventure. Don't compare it to anything you've done before. You've been through a life-changing experience, and you're a whole new person now, so approach it that way. You'll learn about yourself as well as others, and eventually you'll find happiness.

David Wygant answers: Since you have experienced a wonderful connection with someone and know what that feels like, it will take time to find a new love. You are young and have many great things ahead to look forward to. I suggest that you take the time to get to know each person who you date and do not compare them to your late husband. I believe that each person can experience many types of love. Your ex was only one type of love that you were meant to experience. Open your heart and trust the process, if you are open and trusting, in time you will find you will connect with a new man and you will experience all new things that you never thought possible. Please keep me posted, you sound like a great woman!

The Insightful Dater answers: You are starting a new phase of your life. What you had in the past was clearly a beautiful gift, and believing in your heart that you have more to share, and that there is someone special out there to share it with is the first step. Don't set yourself up for failure; definitely heed your counselor's advice not to compare men to your late husband and not to project expectations on to a new man. Every human has such a unique perspective and unique gifts to share with others. Try to realize as special as your husband was, he was just one man -- the world is full of fathers, brothers, sons who aspire to find someone to love and to share their special gifts with -- if you can open your heart to that truth and let go of the past, your future will be so much more enjoyable.

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Seconds please

I have been dating on the Internet for three years, and I've had almost 200 dates. The problem is that I hardly ever get a second date. I'm also finding that every guy I go out with has no interest in me at all, even friendship. I am confused because I am successful, attractive, outgoing, and very easygoing. I try to make my date feel comfortable with conversation and I ask questions about him. I like to at least make them laugh. I've even had a friend go to the same restaurant and sit behind me and see if they could figure out what I might be doing wrong. -- Lorene C., 32, Indianapolis, Ind.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: I doubt if you're doing anything wrong, per se. It's probably more a case of mistaken identity. It interests me that you'd say guys you go out with have no interest in you at all -- do you mean they're only interested in sex? They must have something in mind to go out in the first place. There are several possibilities here -- perhaps your profile doesn't reflect what the man finds when he actually meets you. Or, perhaps you're expecting too much from the first date, and your disappointment shows. Or, maybe you put too much emphasis on wanting a relationship, and scare them off. Here's a thought -- instead of going out on the traditional date, invite the next man to go along with you and some of your friends to lunch or a movie, a sporting event or even an art gallery or museum. The group energy will take the pressure off dating, and give you a chance to get to see each other interact with other people.

David Wygant answers: You are almost there. When I met my girlfriend, I was single for three years and probably went out on over 300 dates, and this is my profession! It takes time to find the right connection. May I suggest looking over your profile and making some changes. A slight change sometimes attracts a different type of man. Also what else are you doing to meet people? Are you only using the Internet? I just wrote a book and it goes over all the great places to meet men. I feel that everyone should have at least five ways of meeting men. By using this strategy, you will bring all types of men into your life. Not everyone dates off the Internet, and you need to expand your horizons and add some new places to meet men, as well as continuing your Internet search. Keep me posted.

The Insightful Dater answers: In a lifetime, we will meet many prospects and yet find only a very few who we are meant to share our hearts with fully. So, given you are out there and trying, the first and most important question is -- are you going out with the right type of guy for you? Have you used the tools available on the Yahoo! Personals site to figure out your personality and love styles? There are two free tests that can be a quick and easy way to get some crucial insights into what you want -- and to sharpen your abilities to choose the right men. Ultimately, you also have to be ready to give of yourself on another level. It is human nature to crave intimacy and yet to also guard our hearts and protect ourselves from getting hurt. If you aren't open on a deeper level to sharing who you are and your experiences, then all the dinner conversation and dates in the world aren't going to get you where it is you say you want to go. P.S. On the flip side, if you are trying too hard, you are probably scaring the guys off. Relax and enjoy yourself and the right things will unfold in your life.

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Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Long Beach, Calif., since 1978 and author of 11 books in 14 languages, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction," "How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" and "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again." She publishes the "Happiness Tips from Tina" e-letter, and hosts "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" on www.WPMD.org and www.leisuretalk.net. Her web site is www.tinatessina.com       Photo Copyright © 2005 by Nicole Katano

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David Wygant's new book is "Always Talk to Strangers: 3 Simple Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life" (www.alwaystalktostrangers.com). He has been a featured dating expert on more 1,000 radio and television shows including Dateline, ABC News, CBS Good Morning, MTV, Fox News, and in publications including The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Dallas Morning News, Boston Globe, Philadelphia Inquirer, New York Magazine and Marie Claire Magazine. His web site is www.thedwnetwork.com

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The Insightful Dater provides a view of the dating scene from the perspective of a young professional, living in a major metropolitan area.

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