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When Should We Go From Dating To Exclusive?
Sheila Ellison answers your questions about dating for single parents and after divorceI am dating someone I really like. She has been divorced for 10 years. How long is an appropriate length of time before we consider making it an exclusive relationship? -- Jeffrey H., 48, Walnut, California
Jeffrey: It becomes an exclusive relationship the second both of you want it to be exclusive. There is no appropriate length of time, especially when someone has been divorced for 10 years. If you both really like each other, dating exclusively is a necessary step to see if the relationship can go further. This will allow the intimacy and trust to grow in a way not possible when dating many people.
Wants more than friendship
I am a single mom of 7-year-old twins and I can't find a date to save my life! I have not dated once in the six years that I have been single. Every guy I have met who has even an inkling of potential turns into "just a friend." How do I send the signal that I want to be more than friends? -- Nickleen F., 27, Nantucket, Massachusetts
Nickleen: A few things to try. Take a look at your body language and what it communicates to the men you want to date. If you are the type who gives nurturing advice, is the “go to” woman at work whenever anyone needs a little mothering, then you are automatically put into the “she’d make a great friend” category. So much about attraction is determined by the energy you put out -- the way you look at someone, the way you dress on a date, what hints you drop about being attracted to someone (flirting). It is a bit of a game -- you show your cards, he shows his. Somehow the cards you are putting on the table are reading “Let’s be friends” when you want them to be communicating “Let’s be lovers, or something moving that direction rather than just friends.” Think hard about what you want to communicate and then be that person on a date or around the men you are interested in dating. Also, if the friends thing is coming up mostly with men who don’t have children, try dating men with children.
Realistic expectations?
I have been divorced for one year, for the second time. I am starting to meet people, however, I think my expectations for men may be too high. I don't want to end up with the same kind of guy. I expect dinner, a small gift once in a while. I would like for him to remember my birthday or special dates, and be financially stable. I also do not have a lot of time to date because I have three children, so I would like for him to be patient and also be available when I am. What should I really expect from a man? Am I being realistic? -- Rosa M., 32, Denver, Colorado
Rosa: When dealing with the question of expectations, there is one really important thing to consider. Unrealistic expectations create disappointment, resentment and demands that can’t be met without the other person feeling put upon. Some men may have a similar list of expectations for you, which might include you making him a nice dinner, being able to support your kids without his help, and being available when he is. Relationship is all a process of negotiation. If you are dating a man with similar expectations, all is very good. The problem arises when your expectations seem overwhelming to someone who might feel they can’t possibly give you what you want without compromising what they want for themselves. That said, there are many men who would love to know what your expectations are up front (and also that the list won’t be added to daily!) because they want to please you.
What to do? Get very clear with yourself on the expectations you have from a partner that are non-negotiable. These are things you must have. Make sure the person you are with is willing to meet these most basic needs. The rest is icing on the cake. When you do receive a small gift, react with unbridled enthusiasm, and give him hints about your upcoming birthday or special dates until he gets in the pattern of remembering himself. Relationships thrive when each person is fully appreciated. When expectations are clear and reachable, you create opportunities to appreciate each other rather than feeling disappointed or resentful.
Building a relationship
I've been divorced for over 10 years. I am really afraid of the whole marriage idea. I really messed up the first time around and I was raked across the coals in the divorce. Any suggestions on the cultivation of a serious relationship? I know trust and communication are important, but I seem to fail in any relationship and they always end around the three-month point. -- Cary W., 31, Roy, Utah
Cary: You discovered a lot the first time around. You’ve taken 10 years to learn about yourself -- what you want, what you don’t want, how you messed up and what you never want to happen again. You have to trust that. Trust that you respect yourself and know yourself well enough to make better choices and choose a better partner this time. Then you have to jump. Unfortunately there is no guarantee in love. Yes, trust and communication are important, but so are compatibility, respect and really liking the person. Serious relationships take a lot of work. The excitement when you first meet someone (and believe they are perfect) wears off and you are left with a human being who has many imperfections. The little traits you thought were so cute are now driving you nuts (possibly at three months!). That is when the work of relationship begins. There are many good books out there. One I would recommend, which is based on a study of hundreds of couples and outlines what makes a marriage last, is “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman. This might help you to choose the right candidate to have a successful serious relationship with in the future.
Is "separated" OK?
I met someone who is separated. What advice do you have about dating a man in this situation? -- Connie D., 46, Grayson, Kentucky
Connie: Separated has many meanings. How separated is he? Is he living in a different location from his wife? Have the divorce papers been filed or is this just a break they are taking from each other? Does he have an agreement with his wife that they are going to date while separated? Can you trust him to give you honest answers to these questions? Based on his answers to the above questions, you have to follow your own intuition. Inside, you will know what to do. The other very important question to ask yourself is, “Is this someone I might fall in love with?” If the answer is yes, then you better be sure that there is no possibility for reconciliation before you get involved.
Sheila Ellison is leading a year-long course for women titled, "Life Design After Divorce." She is the founder of SingleMomsConnect.com, an organization that connects single mothers in a one-to-one friendship that offers practical, emotional, and physical support as each woman rebuilds her life. She is the author of "The Courage to Love Again: Creating Happy, Healthy Relationships After Divorce," "The Courage to Be a Single Mother: Becoming Whole Again After Divorce," " How Does She Do It? 101 Life Lessons from One Mother to Another," and "If Women Ruled the World" as well as six bestselling parenting books. She has appeared on "Oprah," NBC's "Later Today," and "The Early Show" on CBS. Her web site is CompleteMom.com.
