About Dating & Relationships > Tom Blake answers your questions about dating at 50+ (#2)

I've met someone on Yahoo! Personals who I really like, (I've been a widow for four years and I'm really lonely now). We chatted on the site for three weeks, he asked for more pictures of me, which I posted to my profile. I felt comfortable to now give him my telephone number and during a call he actually told me he was beginning to fall in love with me and he would like to meet me. He also mentioned that he is shy. He has been sending me very romantic poetry, but hasn't called me back ever since the first time he said he was interested in me. What should I do? -- Maria, 52, Oak Park, Mich.

Maria, you should be careful. You admit you're lonely, which means you're vulnerable. Two people who've never met in person can't fall in love. They can feel they have things in common and hope they'll be attracted to each other when they meet, but until then, all bets are off. Don't kid yourself, you may see him and run the other way. I sense some red flags with him. Let him pursue you; don't pursue him. If he cares as much about you as he says, he'll make an effort to see you. When meeting strangers -- he's a stranger -- always be cautious

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Tough to say good-bye

If after the first meeting I decide I never want to see the person again, I have a difficult time describing how I feel. I do not want to hurt their feelings so I hem and haw around and probably seem vague. It works most of the time. However, if I am going to be actively meeting men I want to feel that I can express myself clearly and emphatically without hurting their feelings. Any suggestions? -- Peggy, 59, Pasadena, Calif.

Peggy, I have a suggestion: Be honest. Instead of hemming and hawing, being vague and feeling guilty, step to the plate and say, "Thanks for your time, but I'm not interested in pursuing this relationship further." That's it. You won't waste your time or the man's time. You'd hurt his feelings more if you led him on.

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IM flirting seems weird

I was married for 22 years and have not dated since the '70s. I feel very intimidated and weird trying to flirt with IMs. How do I get over this feeling and stop feeling like a geek or getting the creeps from men? -- Jamie 51, Grand Island, N.Y.

Jamie, stop trying to flirt. Instead, be yourself and think of what you're doing as getting to know people who are in a similar situation as you or at least who say they are. Initiate conversations by asking the men what their interests are, what they're looking for in a relationship, how they like where they live, what their hobbies are -- questions like that. Be interested in them and listen to what they say. Think of it as meeting someone at a friend's house and putting your best foot forward by being confident and asking them about themselves. Be sincere, not flirtatious. Relax and have fun.

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Bye-bye pigsty

I met a guy and really liked him until I went to his home. What a pigsty! Do I offer to clean his place or give him the name of a maid service or just say good-bye? -- Marianne, 64, Liberty Hill, Texas

Marianne, when people meet, they usually put their best foot forward. So, what you see is what you'll get, but it would only get worse. Don't become a caretaker. Why should you clean his place? Why should you have to provide the name of a maid service? Most men when bringing a woman to their home have the place immaculate and even put fresh flowers out to show the woman they care. You wouldn't want to live with a man you'd be picking up after. He's a project, not a prospect. If you're seeking a long-term relationship, you'll likely have to look elsewhere.

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Best approach

I have trouble breaking the ice with females. Have any approach suggestions? -- Bob, 59, Bartlesville, Okla.

Bob, instead of trying to come up with something creative each time you see a woman you'd like to break the ice with, all you have to remember are eight words: "Would you like to have coffee with me?" That's it. Say the words with a smile and be sincere. If she says, "I don't drink coffee," then say, "How about tea or water?" If she still throws up a roadblock, she probably isn't interested in pursuing you. Don't force some line like "What's your sign?" or "Do you come here often?" If you'd like to polish the apple a bit, say, "You look like a nice person, I'd like to get to know you, would you like to have coffee?" What you say isn't as important as how you say it. If she's interested in getting to know you, she'll say, "Yes, I'd love to have coffee."

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No kisses, please

I have been dating a gentleman since the end of November. He is a very sweet man and we get along great. We have a lot in common and we communicate well with each other. The only thing that really bothers me about the relationship is that he does not like to kiss and I love to kiss but I have gotten accustomed to not having passionate kissing since we have been dating. Every once in awhile I get a passionate kiss. He tells me that he has never liked to kiss much with any woman. He says it's not in his nature. Should I just get used to it? -- Rosemary, 50, Sandersville, Ga.

Rosemary, you say he's sweet, you get along great, you have a lot in common and you communicate well. Do you know how many people would like to have a relationship with those qualities? Be happy that you get a passionate kiss once in a while. Tell him ever so nicely and with no pressure attached that you love it when he kisses and hugs you. But don't push him. If you find you just can't stand not being kissed often, you may have to let this man with so many fine qualities go, and that would be a shame. Besides, who knows, as he gains feelings for you, he just may give you more affection? You can't change him, he'll have to change himself and perhaps he won't. Be patient. He's eighty percent of the way there.

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Tom Blake has written more than 600 newspaper columns on middle age dating and relationships. His "Single Again" column is featured in the Orange County (Calif.) Register. Tom is the author of two books: "Finding Love After 50: How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do" and "Middle Aged and Dating Again." He has made multiple appearances as a keynote speaker at national AARP conventions and as a dating after 50 expert on the NBC show, Today. Sign up for Tom's free weekly "Finding Love After 50" e-letter, read previous columns or order books at www.findingloveafter50.com.

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